I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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