she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
