So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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