her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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