You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
