I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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