I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
