Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
