ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
