I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
