Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
BRING THE BAGELS
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
