We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
