ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
