I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
