how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
