Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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