Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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