i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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