fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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