There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
