Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
