Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
