i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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