I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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