I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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