Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
