omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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