I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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