Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
