I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
