My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
