Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
