I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
