I like to think it a success when the cops are called
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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