i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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