Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
