i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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