I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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