She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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