90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
