I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
