Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
