good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
