last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
