dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
