good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
