I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
