I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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