There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
