Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
