You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
ok first of all what the fuck
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
